This semester, I've been far more busier. All the school work is overwhelming and definitely, a lot more than last semester. Last semester, after classes, I would literally do nothing. I'd finish my homework in an hour, and then go out. I never went inside the library. I'd party every single weekend. I'd only study before exams. Unfortunately, this semester I am taking 17 credits and am currently over-stressing. I live at the library after classes. I'm the type of person who thinks greatly of school. School comes before anything for me. Therefore, I'm always reading, working, and studying ahead. In high school, I'd procrastinate and slack here and there. But in college, I don't know, I just can't seem to do that yet. I guess it's the fear of falling behind and not being able to pick myself back up. Last semester, I did my best and got a GPA that made my parents and me both really happy. This semester begs to differ. I do my best, if not, harder, and still the GPA is not proving it. For those who don't know. Stress and I are enemies. We can't be put in the same sentence, but we always seem to be together. I guess I'm just an easily stressed person. During high school, I had some unhealthy way of coping with it. And it doesn't seem to have changed in college. I've lost my appetite. Lately, this has been pretty big (and that is very shocking for a person like me who absolutely loves all kinds of foods!) I can go days without eating. I'll crave food and want to eat this or that (i.e. thai food and pinkberry !!), but when I eat it, it's not satisfying or I get sick or the food just refuses to go down. When I go home this weekend, my family will be surprised by how much weight I've lost in the past 2-3 weeks. In college, I've taken out my sketch book from years ago to start drawing and sketching again. The last time I've opened this sketchbook was 9th grade. Drawing again has given me another way to cope. If not eating-wise, I have breakdowns. It's kind of ridiculous and silly if I take a step out of my bubble and think about it. But when I'm in that particular moment I feel like it's the only thing that seems right. When I start thinking about my life and where it is going to end up, I just cry. I can't even hold back the tears; they just rush out. And when people tell me to stop crying, I'll only cry more. I've had two big ones this semester; my most recent one was Tuesday night. I was bawling like crazy man. My mom was on the phone with me just trying to console me, but it wasn't working. I think it only made me more upset. And then my friend called me and it made me feel just a little bit better. The thing is I don't really know what I want. But I do know that I am not happy right now. Little things that occur from day to day make me happy. Don't get me wrong on that. A good night in the city with good friends. A good meal. My dog. Going to shows. The sound of my piano. Photography. Music. Those non-stop laughs that develop abs. Yeah, of course, all these things make me so so happy. But when I take a step back and look at my life through a bigger lense, a bigger frame, I am so unhappy. I can't exactly say tell you what it is that make me so unhappy because I honestly can't put my finger on it exactly. You just know when you're life feels incomplete, like there's a giant hole that feels impossible to fill no matter how many shots you take, no matter how many meals you skip, no matter how many times you cry, no matter how many times you play the same shit over and over in your head. Fortunately, in this crazy mess, I can tell you the many factors that are playing a giant role in my life right now. One obvious one is school. When I found out I got into St. John's pharmacy program, I remember being happy. In fact, I was even happier about making my final decision to attend this college and become a student of pharmacy, a well-respected and highly-respected career in life. I am a money-lover and I strongly disagree when people try to be all good shit and say "Money can't bring happiness". I personally think that is bullshit because I know for me, knowing the type of person I am, money will bring me absolute happiness. Currently, I am job-less and money-less and quite the sad person not being able to go to all the shows I want to, not being able to go to the restaurants I want to, not being able to buy my camera, not being able to buy things for the house, not being able to buy all the clothes, shoes, and bags I want. I'm lucky that my parents give me money for things I absolutely need and for things that they think are important. But you know, I want to have my own spending money so that I don't always have to ask them for money. Ahh I keep getting sidetracked. so yeah, I am really happy that I got into a good 6-year year program for pharmacy. And I know for a fact that once I graduate, I'll be completely happy with a guaranteed, stable job with a high salary. I'll be working and living in Manhattan. The part that makes me second-think my major is the six years I'll be unhappy. I guess I have a stronger math and science brain than a english and history one. I don't want to sound selfish or immature saying this but I don't know how else to put it. I don't consider organic chemistry fun at all. If there are some of you out there that get this stuff and enjoy it, than wow I am jealous; good for you! I feel like after spring break, the workload and study-material has gotten significantly harder. It may just be for me. But I just can't handle low grades. I can't accept failure. I know what's ahead of me and it's only going to get harder, more difficult, and more stressful. I shouldn't even be complaining right now compared to what I have to get through next year and the year after that and so on. But I've had 2 or 3 breakdowns and cried miserably over everything in and out of my life. I've always been taught that you should only look at what's good and going to be good for you in the future. That's probably why my mom made me stop art and look into school more. you know? I'm not saying that an artist can't be successful in life. Oh dear, not saying that at all because there are so many smart, talented artists out there. But in the eyes of my asian parents who have a daughter who's going to be the first going to college in America, the career of a pharmacist looks better than the career of an artist. I guess just always having that mentality fooled me into believing that I would definitely be a pharmacist and nothing else. But now, I the layers of blindfolds are coming off one by one. I'm slowly coming to the conclusiont that you should do what you think is right for you, good for you. Essentially because no one knows you better than you do yourself. When I was doing graphic design, I got selected in my high school to display my work at the Apple store. That's gotta mean something, right? My mom was there with me. I guess her ignorance rubbed off onto me. If I place the record needle back to three years ago, and start playing the disc from that point, I'd probably be attending at art school right now studying graphic design. I think art just naturally runs in our family. My uncle is an artist and photographer. One of my cousins is super smart and is studying fashion design. Her younger sister is going into fine arts. And then there's me (lost). I've run into the crisis that many young college students run into. A part of me wants to become a successful pharmacist making the big bucks. Another part of me wants to draw art, design art, and make art. Lately, I've just been feeling like the lost puzzle piece that fell out of the box. I don't know if I have the guts to drop pharmacy. If I drop pharmacy, I'd probably transfer out of St. John's too because honestly if it werent for pharmacy, it's just not the right place for me. It's a good university, but not for me. If I drop pharmacy, I feel like it's such a HUGE drop. It'd be different if I was changing my major from english to journalism. I've presented the idea to my parents, but both times, it wasn't too pleasant :/ and that just makes everything more difficult because I don't want to end up disappointing them. My whole life I've always based my decisions on my parents and what will make them happy, what will make them proud. Don't you think it's time to start living for me as I make my way into my twenties. I'm just going to wait a little more and then see what happens. In the meantime, I'll continue to give my major a chance. I only have 4 more weeks of this semester left.. so I might as well finish it after all I've put myself through this first year, and then I'll have the whole summer to ponder ponder and ponder about it. Somewhere, I've lost my happiness; and it's been missing for too long; and that's going to have to change sooner or later.
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