Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Life has different paths.
What I am about to write about is something that has been on my mind for the last few months. Sometimes, it would be something that I would actively think about all day. Or if I wasn't actively thinking about it, it would always be something lingering around in the back of my head. I have a journal that I keep to jot my ideas, thoughts, doodles, whatevers down. But I just needed another medium to ramble on and and on about. So I am going to ramble--
This semester, I've been far more busier. All the school work is overwhelming and definitely, a lot more than last semester. Last semester, after classes, I would literally do nothing. I'd finish my homework in an hour, and then go out. I never went inside the library. I'd party every single weekend. I'd only study before exams. Unfortunately, this semester I am taking 17 credits and am currently over-stressing. I live at the library after classes. I'm the type of person who thinks greatly of school. School comes before anything for me. Therefore, I'm always reading, working, and studying ahead. In high school, I'd procrastinate and slack here and there. But in college, I don't know, I just can't seem to do that yet. I guess it's the fear of falling behind and not being able to pick myself back up. Last semester, I did my best and got a GPA that made my parents and me both really happy. This semester begs to differ. I do my best, if not, harder, and still the GPA is not proving it. For those who don't know. Stress and I are enemies. We can't be put in the same sentence, but we always seem to be together. I guess I'm just an easily stressed person. During high school, I had some unhealthy way of coping with it. And it doesn't seem to have changed in college. I've lost my appetite. Lately, this has been pretty big (and that is very shocking for a person like me who absolutely loves all kinds of foods!) I can go days without eating. I'll crave food and want to eat this or that (i.e. thai food and pinkberry !!), but when I eat it, it's not satisfying or I get sick or the food just refuses to go down. When I go home this weekend, my family will be surprised by how much weight I've lost in the past 2-3 weeks. In college, I've taken out my sketch book from years ago to start drawing and sketching again. The last time I've opened this sketchbook was 9th grade. Drawing again has given me another way to cope. If not eating-wise, I have breakdowns. It's kind of ridiculous and silly if I take a step out of my bubble and think about it. But when I'm in that particular moment I feel like it's the only thing that seems right. When I start thinking about my life and where it is going to end up, I just cry. I can't even hold back the tears; they just rush out. And when people tell me to stop crying, I'll only cry more. I've had two big ones this semester; my most recent one was Tuesday night. I was bawling like crazy man. My mom was on the phone with me just trying to console me, but it wasn't working. I think it only made me more upset. And then my friend called me and it made me feel just a little bit better. The thing is I don't really know what I want. But I do know that I am not happy right now. Little things that occur from day to day make me happy. Don't get me wrong on that. A good night in the city with good friends. A good meal. My dog. Going to shows. The sound of my piano. Photography. Music. Those non-stop laughs that develop abs. Yeah, of course, all these things make me so so happy. But when I take a step back and look at my life through a bigger lense, a bigger frame, I am so unhappy. I can't exactly say tell you what it is that make me so unhappy because I honestly can't put my finger on it exactly. You just know when you're life feels incomplete, like there's a giant hole that feels impossible to fill no matter how many shots you take, no matter how many meals you skip, no matter how many times you cry, no matter how many times you play the same shit over and over in your head. Fortunately, in this crazy mess, I can tell you the many factors that are playing a giant role in my life right now. One obvious one is school. When I found out I got into St. John's pharmacy program, I remember being happy. In fact, I was even happier about making my final decision to attend this college and become a student of pharmacy, a well-respected and highly-respected career in life. I am a money-lover and I strongly disagree when people try to be all good shit and say "Money can't bring happiness". I personally think that is bullshit because I know for me, knowing the type of person I am, money will bring me absolute happiness. Currently, I am job-less and money-less and quite the sad person not being able to go to all the shows I want to, not being able to go to the restaurants I want to, not being able to buy my camera, not being able to buy things for the house, not being able to buy all the clothes, shoes, and bags I want. I'm lucky that my parents give me money for things I absolutely need and for things that they think are important. But you know, I want to have my own spending money so that I don't always have to ask them for money. Ahh I keep getting sidetracked. so yeah, I am really happy that I got into a good 6-year year program for pharmacy. And I know for a fact that once I graduate, I'll be completely happy with a guaranteed, stable job with a high salary. I'll be working and living in Manhattan. The part that makes me second-think my major is the six years I'll be unhappy. I guess I have a stronger math and science brain than a english and history one. I don't want to sound selfish or immature saying this but I don't know how else to put it. I don't consider organic chemistry fun at all. If there are some of you out there that get this stuff and enjoy it, than wow I am jealous; good for you! I feel like after spring break, the workload and study-material has gotten significantly harder. It may just be for me. But I just can't handle low grades. I can't accept failure. I know what's ahead of me and it's only going to get harder, more difficult, and more stressful. I shouldn't even be complaining right now compared to what I have to get through next year and the year after that and so on. But I've had 2 or 3 breakdowns and cried miserably over everything in and out of my life. I've always been taught that you should only look at what's good and going to be good for you in the future. That's probably why my mom made me stop art and look into school more. you know? I'm not saying that an artist can't be successful in life. Oh dear, not saying that at all because there are so many smart, talented artists out there. But in the eyes of my asian parents who have a daughter who's going to be the first going to college in America, the career of a pharmacist looks better than the career of an artist. I guess just always having that mentality fooled me into believing that I would definitely be a pharmacist and nothing else. But now, I the layers of blindfolds are coming off one by one. I'm slowly coming to the conclusiont that you should do what you think is right for you, good for you. Essentially because no one knows you better than you do yourself. When I was doing graphic design, I got selected in my high school to display my work at the Apple store. That's gotta mean something, right? My mom was there with me. I guess her ignorance rubbed off onto me. If I place the record needle back to three years ago, and start playing the disc from that point, I'd probably be attending at art school right now studying graphic design. I think art just naturally runs in our family. My uncle is an artist and photographer. One of my cousins is super smart and is studying fashion design. Her younger sister is going into fine arts. And then there's me (lost). I've run into the crisis that many young college students run into. A part of me wants to become a successful pharmacist making the big bucks. Another part of me wants to draw art, design art, and make art. Lately, I've just been feeling like the lost puzzle piece that fell out of the box. I don't know if I have the guts to drop pharmacy. If I drop pharmacy, I'd probably transfer out of St. John's too because honestly if it werent for pharmacy, it's just not the right place for me. It's a good university, but not for me. If I drop pharmacy, I feel like it's such a HUGE drop. It'd be different if I was changing my major from english to journalism. I've presented the idea to my parents, but both times, it wasn't too pleasant :/ and that just makes everything more difficult because I don't want to end up disappointing them. My whole life I've always based my decisions on my parents and what will make them happy, what will make them proud. Don't you think it's time to start living for me as I make my way into my twenties. I'm just going to wait a little more and then see what happens. In the meantime, I'll continue to give my major a chance. I only have 4 more weeks of this semester left.. so I might as well finish it after all I've put myself through this first year, and then I'll have the whole summer to ponder ponder and ponder about it. Somewhere, I've lost my happiness; and it's been missing for too long; and that's going to have to change sooner or later.
This semester, I've been far more busier. All the school work is overwhelming and definitely, a lot more than last semester. Last semester, after classes, I would literally do nothing. I'd finish my homework in an hour, and then go out. I never went inside the library. I'd party every single weekend. I'd only study before exams. Unfortunately, this semester I am taking 17 credits and am currently over-stressing. I live at the library after classes. I'm the type of person who thinks greatly of school. School comes before anything for me. Therefore, I'm always reading, working, and studying ahead. In high school, I'd procrastinate and slack here and there. But in college, I don't know, I just can't seem to do that yet. I guess it's the fear of falling behind and not being able to pick myself back up. Last semester, I did my best and got a GPA that made my parents and me both really happy. This semester begs to differ. I do my best, if not, harder, and still the GPA is not proving it. For those who don't know. Stress and I are enemies. We can't be put in the same sentence, but we always seem to be together. I guess I'm just an easily stressed person. During high school, I had some unhealthy way of coping with it. And it doesn't seem to have changed in college. I've lost my appetite. Lately, this has been pretty big (and that is very shocking for a person like me who absolutely loves all kinds of foods!) I can go days without eating. I'll crave food and want to eat this or that (i.e. thai food and pinkberry !!), but when I eat it, it's not satisfying or I get sick or the food just refuses to go down. When I go home this weekend, my family will be surprised by how much weight I've lost in the past 2-3 weeks. In college, I've taken out my sketch book from years ago to start drawing and sketching again. The last time I've opened this sketchbook was 9th grade. Drawing again has given me another way to cope. If not eating-wise, I have breakdowns. It's kind of ridiculous and silly if I take a step out of my bubble and think about it. But when I'm in that particular moment I feel like it's the only thing that seems right. When I start thinking about my life and where it is going to end up, I just cry. I can't even hold back the tears; they just rush out. And when people tell me to stop crying, I'll only cry more. I've had two big ones this semester; my most recent one was Tuesday night. I was bawling like crazy man. My mom was on the phone with me just trying to console me, but it wasn't working. I think it only made me more upset. And then my friend called me and it made me feel just a little bit better. The thing is I don't really know what I want. But I do know that I am not happy right now. Little things that occur from day to day make me happy. Don't get me wrong on that. A good night in the city with good friends. A good meal. My dog. Going to shows. The sound of my piano. Photography. Music. Those non-stop laughs that develop abs. Yeah, of course, all these things make me so so happy. But when I take a step back and look at my life through a bigger lense, a bigger frame, I am so unhappy. I can't exactly say tell you what it is that make me so unhappy because I honestly can't put my finger on it exactly. You just know when you're life feels incomplete, like there's a giant hole that feels impossible to fill no matter how many shots you take, no matter how many meals you skip, no matter how many times you cry, no matter how many times you play the same shit over and over in your head. Fortunately, in this crazy mess, I can tell you the many factors that are playing a giant role in my life right now. One obvious one is school. When I found out I got into St. John's pharmacy program, I remember being happy. In fact, I was even happier about making my final decision to attend this college and become a student of pharmacy, a well-respected and highly-respected career in life. I am a money-lover and I strongly disagree when people try to be all good shit and say "Money can't bring happiness". I personally think that is bullshit because I know for me, knowing the type of person I am, money will bring me absolute happiness. Currently, I am job-less and money-less and quite the sad person not being able to go to all the shows I want to, not being able to go to the restaurants I want to, not being able to buy my camera, not being able to buy things for the house, not being able to buy all the clothes, shoes, and bags I want. I'm lucky that my parents give me money for things I absolutely need and for things that they think are important. But you know, I want to have my own spending money so that I don't always have to ask them for money. Ahh I keep getting sidetracked. so yeah, I am really happy that I got into a good 6-year year program for pharmacy. And I know for a fact that once I graduate, I'll be completely happy with a guaranteed, stable job with a high salary. I'll be working and living in Manhattan. The part that makes me second-think my major is the six years I'll be unhappy. I guess I have a stronger math and science brain than a english and history one. I don't want to sound selfish or immature saying this but I don't know how else to put it. I don't consider organic chemistry fun at all. If there are some of you out there that get this stuff and enjoy it, than wow I am jealous; good for you! I feel like after spring break, the workload and study-material has gotten significantly harder. It may just be for me. But I just can't handle low grades. I can't accept failure. I know what's ahead of me and it's only going to get harder, more difficult, and more stressful. I shouldn't even be complaining right now compared to what I have to get through next year and the year after that and so on. But I've had 2 or 3 breakdowns and cried miserably over everything in and out of my life. I've always been taught that you should only look at what's good and going to be good for you in the future. That's probably why my mom made me stop art and look into school more. you know? I'm not saying that an artist can't be successful in life. Oh dear, not saying that at all because there are so many smart, talented artists out there. But in the eyes of my asian parents who have a daughter who's going to be the first going to college in America, the career of a pharmacist looks better than the career of an artist. I guess just always having that mentality fooled me into believing that I would definitely be a pharmacist and nothing else. But now, I the layers of blindfolds are coming off one by one. I'm slowly coming to the conclusiont that you should do what you think is right for you, good for you. Essentially because no one knows you better than you do yourself. When I was doing graphic design, I got selected in my high school to display my work at the Apple store. That's gotta mean something, right? My mom was there with me. I guess her ignorance rubbed off onto me. If I place the record needle back to three years ago, and start playing the disc from that point, I'd probably be attending at art school right now studying graphic design. I think art just naturally runs in our family. My uncle is an artist and photographer. One of my cousins is super smart and is studying fashion design. Her younger sister is going into fine arts. And then there's me (lost). I've run into the crisis that many young college students run into. A part of me wants to become a successful pharmacist making the big bucks. Another part of me wants to draw art, design art, and make art. Lately, I've just been feeling like the lost puzzle piece that fell out of the box. I don't know if I have the guts to drop pharmacy. If I drop pharmacy, I'd probably transfer out of St. John's too because honestly if it werent for pharmacy, it's just not the right place for me. It's a good university, but not for me. If I drop pharmacy, I feel like it's such a HUGE drop. It'd be different if I was changing my major from english to journalism. I've presented the idea to my parents, but both times, it wasn't too pleasant :/ and that just makes everything more difficult because I don't want to end up disappointing them. My whole life I've always based my decisions on my parents and what will make them happy, what will make them proud. Don't you think it's time to start living for me as I make my way into my twenties. I'm just going to wait a little more and then see what happens. In the meantime, I'll continue to give my major a chance. I only have 4 more weeks of this semester left.. so I might as well finish it after all I've put myself through this first year, and then I'll have the whole summer to ponder ponder and ponder about it. Somewhere, I've lost my happiness; and it's been missing for too long; and that's going to have to change sooner or later.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Fifteen.
My fat spring break and winter days are now over, and it's time to bring my old self back. Today was the day of junkies, ice cream, chocolate, cake, chips, brownies, candy, pastries, whipcream, etc. I've never been crazy about these kinds of foods before college. Now, look what kind of influence college had on me. oy. Time to stop, lose about fifteen pounds, and get myself in shape!My diet will now consist of:
-water
-salad
-fruits
-vegetables
-sushi
-gum
Healthy.
Spring break is over - quick, fat, lazy, and unproductive.
Going back to school in a couple hours. I still have to pack. Ah!
SIX more weeks of the semester left.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Animal Collective : My Girls
My Girls - Animal Collective
Animal Collective is a great band, and this song is just so great and psychedelic -love it! This song is from their newest album Merriweather Post Pavilion, which is a good album altogether. I think this band is taking an uncategorized, unique step forward in the form of psychedelic slash pop, alongside MGMT, one of my personal favorites, and other talented bands. I mean... just check out their album cover; this says it all:
sweet? yes.Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
sushi today and everyday
Yep, that's right. I can live on sushi everyday. My daily diet can consist of cereal, salad, sushi, yogurt (frozen-pinkberry, flurt, yogurtland..lol), and fruits, and I'd be fully satisfied and feel healthy. And once or twice a week, I'll go out to eat at some nice, delicious city restaurant or cafe. Then, I think I'd be content and healthy. This morning, my mom and I went out on some errands and then we went to Minado for lunch. Everytime I go here, I always eat lots and lots. I especially like it because I can have an endless amount of sushi without having to worry how expensive it's going to be :P
^ My favorite part. Dessert.
And yes, I finished all of those nine pieces of cake plus the cream puff :P hahah
^ My favorite part. Dessert.And yes, I finished all of those nine pieces of cake plus the cream puff :P hahah
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Spring Break
I'm home for spring break now. Today was a bummy lazy day. Starting from tomorrow, I have shit to do. Unfortunately, part of the shit that I have to do includes studying for three of the exams that I'm going to have the week I get back to school. fml (i hate this now that literally eeeeeeveryone is saying it, reading it, talking about it.) I like my college for certain things, but I feel like it lacks in some aspects. Maybe because it's only my first year, but I feel like I haven't met THE college best friends that you look back to and keep in touch with after graduation and call your life friends. Who knows? Maybe even some of my friends now will become my life-long friends. I like my friends now and we do have fun, but I still feel like I need to find people who are more like me with the same interests and outlooks on life; music-wise, art-wise, food-wise, books-wise, hobbies-wise, style-wise, moral-wise, etcetcetc. Well, I got 5 more years of college, so hopefully I can find my place.
So when my mom came to pick me up on Saturday. The first thing she said to me when she me when she saw me: "Wow, oh my gosh. What's up with your face? It's so pufffyyy. You gotta lose weight and stop eating so much." ...
I think this would be a legit FML story. But I don't think so. I've always had eating/weight issues back in high school, so her telling me this was a good idea. It motivates me to lose weight. So now, my goal of March: Lose 10 pounds. It will happen. Tonight, my mom only gave me salad for dinner. Good start? Yea, I think so.
I was looking through some of my old postsecrets today that I've collected over the years. And I was like "Oh! I wanna post these on my blog." hahah so here they are. I'll be posting random pictures from my photos collection in future posts for a while.
(postsecret)
The weather has been soo nice the past two days!
Spring, will you be here yet anytime soon?
So when my mom came to pick me up on Saturday. The first thing she said to me when she me when she saw me: "Wow, oh my gosh. What's up with your face? It's so pufffyyy. You gotta lose weight and stop eating so much." ...
I think this would be a legit FML story. But I don't think so. I've always had eating/weight issues back in high school, so her telling me this was a good idea. It motivates me to lose weight. So now, my goal of March: Lose 10 pounds. It will happen. Tonight, my mom only gave me salad for dinner. Good start? Yea, I think so.
(postsecret)The weather has been soo nice the past two days!
Spring, will you be here yet anytime soon?
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Happy March
Wow.. it's March already! Happy March everyone :) This week is midterm week, so it's going to suck :( but that's okay because at the end of this week is spring break! ;)
Yesterday, my sister and I video-chatted, and she showed me our puppy, Joy. ahh! so cute! Two weeks ago, Joy got surgery, so she had the plastic cone and stitches and everything. This past Friday, she got the cone and stitches taken off, so now she's herself. I wish we could keep pets in our dorms. I would loveloveee it if Joy could live with me at college right now. ha! :P
Yesterday, my sister and I video-chatted, and she showed me our puppy, Joy. ahh! so cute! Two weeks ago, Joy got surgery, so she had the plastic cone and stitches and everything. This past Friday, she got the cone and stitches taken off, so now she's herself. I wish we could keep pets in our dorms. I would loveloveee it if Joy could live with me at college right now. ha! :P
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